Wow, my head is spinning! Thanks again to everyone for the likes and the reblogs and the kind words. (I’ve been stalking your blogs and reading your tags all week, creeping like a creeper.) Also, hello to my new followers! I love you all!!
And thank you so much for the opportunity, NBCHannibal!
Thanks so much to everyone for your support on my entry for #Hannibal Did This! I’m so overwhelmed by all these notes. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten this much attention on a single piece of work in my life. Fannibals, you’re amazing! Especially everyone who entered the contest!! The competition is stunning. I love you all and good luck!
I remember when To’hajiilee first aired in September, I burst into tears as Hank made his final phone call and it became clear that he wouldn’t survive the firefight. It wasn’t that I was especially fond of Hank himself, but I felt so much for Marie, who would have to live through losing the love of her life. I’m married to my high school sweetheart and we’ve been together for literally half of my entire life. I couldn’t imagine losing him, existing in a world without him. The loss of a spouse is just one of those plots that always hits me in the gut, emotionally.
The day after that episode aired, someone I loved very much fell suddenly ill. Not my husband, but another member of our household who had been with us for eleven years. Five days later, he died.
It felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. One day, you’re imagining how terrible it must be to lose someone so close. The next day, you do. So suddenly and unexpectedly. The entire world stopped making sense. I’ve lost family members before, but never someone who had been in my care, and never someone who had been such a large part of my daily life. Every morning, I woke up thinking it had been a bad dream, and when it wasn’t, I wondered why it couldn’t be. Why couldn’t I just undo what had happened? Whatever switch had been flipped, why couldn’t I just flip it back? How could life be there one second and gone the next?
When I got my Yuletide assignment, I knew what I wanted to write and I knew that I could write it. Marie was all of a sudden a character I could empathize with too deeply and I think I needed the chance to explore my own grief through her eyes. Picking up the pieces of your life when you’ve lost someone feels like an impossible task. There isn’t any way to really organize that chaos, but you try to at least rearrange things to fill the space that’s left empty. That’s what this fic is about, I guess: accepting that nothing will be the way it was and it will always hurt, but you’ll find a way to fill the space.